The Hummingbird

Am I dead?

It’s hard to imagine – death, that is.

The light is gone. All I can see is the back of my eyelids and feel my palms against my face.

I dig my fingernails into my cheeks. Pain. I slide my hands from my face, letting them settle at my sides. There’s lush grass beneath me. A chilly breeze strokes my face, encouraging me to open my eyes. I can smell nature’s perfume – irises, juniper, and a faint trace of lavender. I’m in a different sea. A sea of flowers.

I can feel my heart beat. The numbness from the ocean is sliding off it, and my heart adopts a familiar tempo. Emotions start pumping through my body. In the distance, I can hear the faint cry of the lullaby.

Where is the water? Where is the heat? Where is my heart? I want them back – I need them back. I’m out of control right now – please, give me back my vice. My torture. My essence.

Let me drown.

I thrash in the grass, my senses intoxicated by the blossoms around me. Drowning in petals, drowning in ocean water – what’s the difference? I’m getting my wish, aren’t I?

Open your eyes.

My heart races at the sound of the voice. What is this fluttering, like a hummingbird trapped beneath my ribcage? My face grows hot, but it’s nothing like the blistering heat of the sun. It’s… Pleasant. Odd.

Why should I trust this voice? I can hear the man and the woman in the distance – I can hear their atrocious lullaby. He could be leading me into a trap. He could be dragging me into a future, filled with the echoes of the past. My life would be a constant rerun. Never ceasing. Never ending.

Open your eyes.

I feel heat enclose me. Close by, I hear a faint humming. Soft, sweet, but broken.

This is the point when I open my eyes.

The Sea

I'm drifting.

I let myself float. The familiar tang of salt swirls in my mouth and stings my eyes. It cradles me, its emerald and sapphire waves pushing me back and forth. To and from conciousness.

It's easier this way. I'd rather drown in this place - my place - then to return. The sun, scorching my back until it flakes like autumn leaves - I can take that. I can endure a thousand sharp teeth nipping at clothes, consuming my flesh. Those are nothing compared to the lullaby.

I'm drifting towards the sun. The west. Comforting hues of rubies. The end. It's so much easier this way, letting myself go. The water is nonjudgemental; it doesn't critize or praise. It simply drifts. I close my eyes and slip beneath the waves.

I can't see anything but black. I let the water enter my system, letting it rush into my mouth. I can taste hopes. My virginal dreams and erotic desires dance around on my tongue. They're meaningless now.

I sink towards the bottom. I open my eyes, seeing the sunlight wanes as I plunge into the inky depths. I close them again. I don't care enough to watch. I don't want to watch.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. Am I dying? It sure feels like it. Lethargic limbs, asphyxiation... Seems like some classic signs.

I'm drifting towards the west. The bottom of the ocean. The end of it all. This is what I want. No more people, no more emotions, no more lullabies.

Everything has shut down. I can't feel, can't taste, can't hear. My sight hasn't faltered yet - I see effulgent bands of light. It's nothing like I've ever seen. It's so bright. Blinding.

This is the point when I cover my eyes.

The Lullaby

I hear a lullaby of screams.

I've done something wrong. I can feel it, deep in my chest. It blossoms, the petals turning a bright crimson as it settles on the surface. My brand of shame. A scarlet letter of my disgrace.

Soon enough, my name pops up. It's intertwined with the shrieking, off-key melody of a woman. A man bellows a harmony. My ears ring as they combine their song.

Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn.

Ah, the dissonance. Too bad the chord won't resolve.

Their words leak through the thin, filmy barrier that I have created. The lyrics have ceased to shock me; it isn't the first time I have heard these notes. They're far too familiar now to bother me.

This is the point when I close my eyes.

Amber Twilight

Sit here in the amber twilight
Let the grass fade into comfortable shades
Of gray
Let the skies dissolve into pleasing hues
Of royalties

You sir,
Yes, you - the one with dreams like
Crumpled newspaper clippings
- Is that your heart I see here
Lying at my feet?
Its heartbeat is so quick
A hummingbird trapped behind a ribcage

You miss,
Yes, you - the one with thoughts like
An empty bottle of knock-off vodka
- Is that your mind I see here
Resting in my palms?
Its memories stuck on replay
The film in a tape deck snagged

Sit here in the amber twilight
Let the stars grow from cold tints
Of sapphire
Let the earth seep into dying colors
Of ebony

His Story

It wasn't your fault
It wasn't your decision
As she slid them down
One, two, three... Seven?
She's on the fast track now to
The city of lights

Bright with malice
Bright with bitterness
Bright with pain

The city of lights
She's in the wrong lane now
One, two, three... Breathe?
As she slid to the floor
It wasn't your decision
It wasn't your fault

Rejuvenation

Into cinders I shall burn
To smoke I shall fade
From juniper I shall be reborn
But into your arms I shall always fall
Cherishing the scent of your skin

Silver Bells

I hear the crystal clarity of
The bells
Silver
Their persistent chatter
A thousand chittering birds
Glass shattering
Madness
Kissing my lips because of
The bells
Silver
A warm touch
Brushes my cheekbone
Then
Silence
Nothingness
The bells
Silver
Clatter to the floor
I no longer hear the crystal clarity of
The bells
These silver bells

Nature's Lament (The White Wolf)

She's okay
- Her crystallized tears
Stashed beneath her skirts

(Her cold breath)
It's quivering
A string of sixteenth notes
Over the roots of
A fallen tree
Cracked bark
Decaying leaves

Oh, dear Mr. Winter
Have you come to warm her soul?
Even if frost creeps around her
And her lips turn blue
She's still here, waiting for you

Oh, dear Mr. Wolf
Have you come to save her soul?
Even if you bare your fangs for her
And fear runs you through
She's still here, waiting for you

(Her icy eyes)
They're glistening
A frozen landscape
Where the creatures
Are finding paradise
Nighttime sonatas
Moonlit flowers

She's okay
- Her stone heart
Learning to beat again

Sparrowsong

Little bird
Keep flying
Even if your feathers are ruffled
And wings are broken
Dream for the
Rasberry sunsets
Vanilla skies

Little bird
Keep trying
Never let the wolves tear at your plummage
And pin you to to the ground
Dream for the
Strawberry sunrises
Butterscotch clouds

Winter Nights

I lie here
Cold sheets embrace me
Remind me
That when the sun rises
The fog will still be there
I lie there
Warm arms embrace me
Remind me
That when the sun rises
You will still be there

Nathan

(You're not a person)
Walking among the shadow-lit sidewalks
With a bottle of brandy in hand
Your insides eating themselves out

(You're incomplete)
Lying beneath the rustled sheets
With a rose bud in hand
Only an echo of your heart

Now sire, are you whole?
With that doll beneath your body?
Are you?
Are you?
Are you human now?

By the Way

Wrap her up in a blanket
of snow
Untouchable
Untouched
Love is something she buys in a second-hand store
Penny candy
Cheap sweets
Short skirts and tight shirts
Swim in the sea of femininity
Diluted with sunlight

All she wants is lipstick against lipstick
A moonlight serenade
A chance to dine with night
And she sits around the corner of her office
With tulips – crimson – whispering in her ears

Wrap them up in a cocoon
of starlight
Blinding
Blinded
Love is something they see in billboard advertisements
Dazzling smiles
Warm touches
Engagement rings and wedding veils
Walk among the desert of expectancy
Unquenchable thirst

All they want is cologne mixed with perfume
A sunset embrace
An ideal bonding
And they amble in circles on the boardwalk
With questions – silent – dancing in their heads

She hears her heart beating
Her sanity receding
As she stands at the edge of the tracks
One, two, three
She counts silently
Love lost on her lips

They see her mind pace
The minutes – a race
As they fail to move at all
One, two, three
They scream aloud
Life lost on the tracks

The Other Side (12:01)

Smile at my reflection
Scream at my imperfection
These curves, these lips, these eyes
These lies
They are what you think you see
What you want to see

Autumntime Rape

"When I'm with you, I am complete."
Frost lines the brim
And ice coats the surface of this morning's
Coffee
A tree without leaves
It's still beautiful, isn't it?
Even when stripped of its pride
It stands before storms
Even when snow falls
It hardens before the cold

Sweet Nothings

Numbers - crawling in the mud
Sharpened, jagged claws on the furniture - festering
Velvet - taste of strawberry champagne
Chocolate, blood on the tongue - boiling
Escape. Escape.

Cherries

Fire slips down the shoreline
Blackness churning; thoughts occurring
She caresses the silk
Charred beneath her fingertips
The river bubbles, froths
Chaos at its finest

Where Are My Keys?

The parking lot's vacant
With five million cars
I'm ready to drive
All the way to Mars
"Pour toi, pour toi
Mon petit ami."

Skies

The meadows are blooming

White lilies - stained with crimson

The sun's falling down

The light playing tricks

On his mind

See that hero?

That savior of humanity?

He hides, his silver-plated armor tarnished

He dances, he destroys, he dies

Madness strolled into the sanctuary

Wearing robes of snow

Promising clarity

To the knelt men

He climbs to the top seeking shelter from the rain

Nothing to gain when one is so high

Trip on stone; fall down

He's not the first

While he grips the chalice

Flames cackling in his frosty eyes

He shakes hands with midnight

The deal has already been sealed

The river rushes down

Silver - kissing the stones

The moonlight's befuddled

The silhouettes twirling to

Church hymns

See that villain?

That corrupted fellow of society?

He hides, calling for his heroine to save him

He waits, he wishes, he writhes

Purity ran through the battlefield

Screaming her song

Waving her banner

At the bloodstained men

He dives off the cliff with bounded wrists

His heart sits comfortably on his sleeve

High tide, low tide - the oceans of his mind

He's not the last

While asphyxiation sets in

His trembling fingers grips the rocks firmly

As he pulls himself from the currents

And bathes in the morning light

They stare each other down

Eyes narrow

Their lips a thin line

Trace the cracks in the mirror

There's a thin line between

Insanity and fame

L'ours

Irises

Offered to you
A comforting touch
Something there

Tulips
Intertwined in your hands
Her laughter echoing
Your words - hidden

Roses
Sprawled across the floor
Glass - fragments
No more

Games

So I buttoned my zipper
And greeted you good-bye
The summer frost on the windows
And the sunset rose into the sky

So you revved your tricycle
And drove it away
The rain fell up
And adults were at play

Lavender

Lighting streaks

The sky of your hair
Crushed autumn leaves
The ocean sighing in your ear
"Sweet nothing, nothing."
She kisses you on the cheek
Tosses up a coin
Too bad it's tails

Tulips

Footstep after footstep
Pavements - pulled from underneath
Chin bleeding, sun leading
Towards paradise
Edge of coexistence
Where the moon and water part their hands
Tossing tulips into the reflection
Crimson - the blood of love

Seasons

I'm like spring
Blooming
Springing from the ground
And full of life

I'm like summer
Thunderstorms and rain
My freedom
A lullaby above the undergrowth

I'm like autumn
So beautiful, vain
And falling apart
Leaf by leaf

I'm like winter
Frost on windshields
My footprints disappearing
In the snow

Happiness is Only Good with a Side of Green Tea

The sunlight streaming down
Silence - people pushing past you
Trying to get that last bit of coffee
I lost my rabbit's foot
Last weekend, by the docks
Dark chocolate
Take a chunk out and grin
Ashes in your mouth
As the world moves on

Fireflies

Years
Casual observer
Minutes
Blazing lover
Seconds
A tango of tongues
Lovers
Friends
Blurred vision

Street Lights

Where are the lights
On this street?
I'm bundled against the cold
But it doesn't help me see
The sidewalk

Wildfire

See that face?
The one that stares back?
Look deeply
Into the forests, oceans, plains - see the cracks
In your perfect jewels
The meadows burn up
Brimstone scorches the skies
As the wildfire takes over
Consuming all

Creepers

First it's sweet
- Then sour
That acidic tang creeps on your taste buds
And crystallizes your veins

Do you scream out?
- Of course not
Your limbs feel lethargic
And your mouth can't open

So you wait
for the tarantula to come get you

Runaway

I bask in your presence
The wolves are clawing at the door
The woman outside is taking a hit
But I take no heed to them
The time for our pact is now
You extend your hands
And place them on mine
I feel winter seeping into the room
And the light is so, so bright
So promising
One knot, two knots
This rope is my best friend
As I attempt to fly
Yet something keeps me from taking off
Cowardice? Regret? Love?
But isn't it suppose to be the next great adventure?
But for whatever reason
I pull my hands away
Grab my keys
And leave you in that room

Out in the Open

Fox
- Hiding in the den
Too afraid that the
Bloodhounds will come for her

Dog
- In the meadows
Searching for
His purpose in life

One night she decides to dart
Out of her comfort zone

One night he decides to wait
And give her a chance

The stars are spectating
The nightfall is coming
Don't think - just do

Xing

Cars
90 mph
Skimming other cars
Air conditioning
Rolling waves of heat
Sea of strangers
Turning lane
Left... No, right
Second, third chair
Fourth row
Images
Flickering on the screen
Words
Never ending

You - crossing my mind
Am I running through yours?

Whispers

A lover's schizophrenia?
Is that what's echoing in my mind?

Voices
- Telling me that day is my destiny
And embrace it
But why do I hold onto his sunshine?
And why can't he hear my call?

Voices
- Telling me that night is a far better investment
In my time
But why do I keep hiding in the shadows?
And why does he do the same?

Wouldn't it be nice to have both?
But night and day never meet
- And that's the way it should be

Wings

Aren't you clever?
With nothing more than silence
You have captured my heart
A butterfly in
a bottle

Isn't it odd?
I might be a silver tongue
But even I
don't have words
for this

Shipped As of Yesterday

You don't want
These broken goods -
There's barely anything left

You don't want
To repair it -
Scotch tape won't work

You don't want
To know the address -
It isn't you

Riverwalker

I wade out into
The river
- The river that has captured
My heart

I run my fingers through
The currents
And enjoy the peace
That flows through me

I feel it tug me towards
The waterfall
Hearing the echoes of
Broken hearts

I wade out into
The river
- The river that has captured
My heart

Iris

This iris
- She's blooming, you know
Her color is like twilight
And her scent is breath-taking

This iris
- She's dying, you know
Her leaves are falling off

And her petals are wilting

Dawn/Twilight

I buried you long ago
With my bare hands
- Covered in dirt
You reach from
Your grave
- Unknowingly

I reach back
towards light
- Expecting nothing
He holds me
With warm hands
- Filled with comfort

You tell me moon
He tells me sun
While I lie on the earth
Wishing to fly

A Lone Wanderer

I wander into an ebony forest
with nothing more than
a lanturn to guide the way

I'm searching for you
- Can't you tell
Or am I too far behind
for you to see the light?

I stumble in a raining forest
with nothing more than
a lanturn to guide the way

I'm calling your name
- Can't you see
That there's other people
waiting for me to come home?

I fall in a dying forest
with nothing more than
a lanturn to guide the way

I'm done with you
- Can't you see
That even when I say that
I'm lying to myself?

Paradiso

They've asked me before
If I have found paradise
And I say with a bitter smile
"Yes, I suppose I have."

If it's in a flower's bloom
Or in the song of a swallow
Then I hear it all the time
Buzzing in my ears
But if it's in a broken mirror
Or in a dying man's heart
Then I live through it
Every single day

They've asked me before
If I have found paradise
And I say with a bitter smile
"Well, have you?"

Wistful

Is what I feel
Just an echo
'Cause the only thing
That I hear
Is my hoping heart

Glass Bird

What is love but
A glass bird
Ever wishing
Ever wanting to leave
But unable to move
Unable to breathe wtihout shattering
So it sits on the windowsill
To be admired by others
And cry

Aware

I wish there weren't
such persistent demons
in this world of mine
They bit at my heels
- Feels like acid, corroding
my heart
I look into their eyes
and see what I want
to see
- Flee I should at the
sight of their claws
They are all knowing
And yet they
are not
- Dot their foreheads,
they have done no wrong
They are lions
They are kittens
They are world changers;
- Strangers to the
moon's heart

Coffee Shop

Sit

- I think you need to
breathe and open your
ears
Drink
- That cup of coffee
isn't getting any
warmer

It's not easy for me
It's not easy for you
I hate admitting it
You hate saying it
It's the truth

Take
- These photographs
are fading reminders of
me
See
- This is what I mean
by the end of it
all

I see it in my reflection
You see it in my eyes
It scares me
It bothers you
It's the truth

And I'm sorry

Such a Pretty Ribbon

Let me unwind
Like a velvet ribbon
and leave me a pile upon the dusted
wooden floors
It's okay
I'm still
breathing
I'm still
alive
Just take heed
not to trip over me
or else you'll be
pulled down
too

Freefall

Thanks for being there
as I flung myself off a cliff.
But it wasn't as if you let me
fall out of spite,
rather, you let me realize that
before I can fly,
I have to learn how to walk.

What Are You?

Romantic? Lover?
Betrayer? Scorner?
Are you just going to
walk away?
You leave me so
confused
a jar of marbles
that have been knocked
aside.
Silence
is perfectly fine by me
But there are times
when you
draw
away and it hurts so much
that I just want to smack you
But at the same
time
I want to kiss you
So what's it going
to be?
Tell me
And then I'll leave

Not Too Bad

Once there was summer
And winter
Two opposites
Going to the same direction
Looking for answers

He was the open night sky
The blazing heat
And the giggles of adolescence
As they threw off their clothes and
Found harmony with nature

She was the snow covered grounds
A still lake
Snowflakes as they dance down
And touched the cheeks of the lonely
Kisses of comfort

When the summer met the winter
He wasn't sure what to think
Because all his pretty little mind
Could think about was autumn
And he couldn't do anything about it

When the winter met the summer
She knew what was going to happen
Because her frosted heart
Picked up at the sight of him
And she couldn't do anything about it

He chased after autumn
But found he couldn't catch her
Between his fingertips
Only found crippling breezes
And dead leaves

She closed her eyes
And tried letting him go
But no matter what
She could still feel him
Through the blizzards

And the time came
When summer saw winter
And said "You're not too bad,"
To that she replied
"You're still as amazing as before."

Then she did the unthinkable
And showed him her heart
She was frightened
He was surprised
But he didn't leave

He whispered "Careful, I burn,"
And she laughed "Not likely,"
But when her fingertips touched his face
She knew what he meant
When she looked into his eyes

For a night they stayed
In each other's arms
No words
Only a sense of connection
Rang through the field

Then there was summer
And winter
Two intertwined hands
And humming hearts they
Followed

Synchronization

Your eyes

A forest floor
Scattered with autumn's leaves
My eyes
A vast ocean
High tide, low tide
Our hands
A focal point
Feel our pulses racing
Us
Complete connection
Drifting in our own world

Fast Lane

I've been tossed in the wind

Debris stinging my eyes
Rocks pelting my arms
And yet I refuse to seek shelter
Because of you

I'm racing down the wrong lane
Lights streaking by
Sirens screeching
And I press down the accelerator
Because of you

I'm caught in an avalanche
No light to see
No air to breath
And I keep trying to push through
Because of you

Shifts

I'm not quite sure when a person's mind shifts
Into "being friends" and "liking someone"
But it's not an over night thing
You don't fling yourself into an ocean
You take your time to enjoy it

I'm not quite sure why everyone seems to think
That "holding hands" equals "relationship"
Apparently it's a fashion yes-yes
I simply want to express these feelings
Without whispers crawling down my neck

I'm not quite sure when it will move forward
From "connecting" to "understanding"
I don't mind taking a stroll
And opening my soul to him
Instead of falling flat on my face

Just Trust Me

Can't you tell how much I like you?
I'm sick and tired of putting it into poetry.
So please understand
that all of my laughing, crying, stomping,
squealing, kicking, singing, punching,
silliness, running away, sliding,
and talking
is all because I like you too much.
:]

As It Rages

There's too much fire in this world of mine
Scorching my hands
Searing the tongue
Engulfing my soul
Love doesn't soothe this firestorm the least bit
Only fuels it

Throw it in my face and make me
Scream aloud
Grind my teeth
Pull you closer
Prove to me that we can survive
As the fire rages

Release

I'm letting it crawl
An electric pulse - except ten times worse
Across my
H e a r t
I'm not very patient
A churning ocean - rippling through my eyes
Consuming my
H e a r t
I'm for certain you know
Fire and ice - fingertip to fingertip
Speeding up my
H e a r t
I'm asking for a chance
Sweet winds - unfastening
Setting free my
H e a r t