Juniper

He is my lover, my closest friend. My white wolf. He will carry me into the depths of the ocean, where the warm caress of the tide can be felt. I will come out open-eyed and afraid.

I have surrendered my icy perfection. I have shed my onyx mind and my diamond skin. The snow has fallen off my face and has blossomed into emerald foliage. Beautiful, jeweled foliage.

I am not a perfect star-child anymore.

He is inhuman. His soft lips press against mine fiercely. He is Gabriel. His fingers run along my body, holding on tightly. He is paradise. I can feel his heartbeat against my own.

I feel his touch, and soon enough I am floating. My feet dangle from his grasp, and my hair falls before my eyes. All that is left is for him to continue to cradle me.

I am blinding. I am deafening. I am speechless.

He will follow me into the depths. And as he zips up a pair of faded jeans and a plain white shirt, I am in the sky in pieces. Numerous, jeweled pieces.

Marigold

He is my father, my heavenly guide, my earthly flesh and bone. He will drag me into the depths of the night, where the melodic shrieks of the creatures can be heard. I will come out unscathed and broken.

I have forfeited my shine. I have relinquished my topaz heart and my opal eyes. The star dust has fallen off my shoulders and has burst into sapphire flames. Greedy, jeweled flames.

I am not a perfect star-child anymore.

He is human. His rough hands quiver oh so gently. He is God. His gaze is cold, loving. He is hell. His sickly sweet breath lingers on my neck.

I feel his touch against my neck, and soon enough I am wearing a choker. My collar is secure. The leash is in place. All that is left is for him is to guide me.

I am blind. I am deaf. I am mute.

He will lead my into the dark. And as he buttons his crisp, powder blue shirt and his navy slacks, I am on the floor in pieces. Numerous, jeweled pieces.

Shards

Gray skies
The watercolors of winter
Snow - floating down
Butterflies sent from heaven
- Come to make the world
Their canvas

Exactly

I do not want to exist maintenant
Ces sentiments echo through my mind
Without le - sans him
Everything seems noir et blanc
La vie, c'est atone

The Stars Said So

170:
That's when I'm in the sky
Chasing the stars
Trying to capture their fleeting beauty
Between my thick fingers

The stars whispered secrets into my ears
I can join in their games
And become a perfect star-child
Once I let the numbers slide down

Maybe I should strip off all of my clothes
Dance beneath the moonlight with
Deathberries smeared across my skin
Maybe then it'll make me
Feel powerful for once

They keep singing to me
"Keep dreaming, little one.
"You won't be able to fly until
You're weightless."

162:
That's when I'm in the woods
Making a fire
Tossing bits and pieces of myself
Into the hungry flames

The stars told me to do so
They said to toss out the ashes
And then I'll feel wonderful
Once I let the numbers slide down

Maybe I should shed this imperfect skin
Let the snow fall of my face
And down to the ground
Maybe that would help me
Feel beautiful again

They keep singing to me
"Keep trying, little one.
"You won't be able to fly until
You're weightless."

144:
That's when I'm at the edge of the cliff
My breath quivering
Soul shivering in the
Relentless ocean spray

The stars promised that I would be okay
My bones jutting out and my gaunt skin
It would all be cured
Once I let the numbers slide down

Maybe I should stray away from
The rocky edge and
Peel off these filmy, insect wings
Maybe then I'll finally
Feel in control

They keep singing to me
"Keep dying, little one.
You won't be able to fly until
You're weightless."

The Hummingbird

Am I dead?

It’s hard to imagine – death, that is.

The light is gone. All I can see is the back of my eyelids and feel my palms against my face.

I dig my fingernails into my cheeks. Pain. I slide my hands from my face, letting them settle at my sides. There’s lush grass beneath me. A chilly breeze strokes my face, encouraging me to open my eyes. I can smell nature’s perfume – irises, juniper, and a faint trace of lavender. I’m in a different sea. A sea of flowers.

I can feel my heart beat. The numbness from the ocean is sliding off it, and my heart adopts a familiar tempo. Emotions start pumping through my body. In the distance, I can hear the faint cry of the lullaby.

Where is the water? Where is the heat? Where is my heart? I want them back – I need them back. I’m out of control right now – please, give me back my vice. My torture. My essence.

Let me drown.

I thrash in the grass, my senses intoxicated by the blossoms around me. Drowning in petals, drowning in ocean water – what’s the difference? I’m getting my wish, aren’t I?

Open your eyes.

My heart races at the sound of the voice. What is this fluttering, like a hummingbird trapped beneath my ribcage? My face grows hot, but it’s nothing like the blistering heat of the sun. It’s… Pleasant. Odd.

Why should I trust this voice? I can hear the man and the woman in the distance – I can hear their atrocious lullaby. He could be leading me into a trap. He could be dragging me into a future, filled with the echoes of the past. My life would be a constant rerun. Never ceasing. Never ending.

Open your eyes.

I feel heat enclose me. Close by, I hear a faint humming. Soft, sweet, but broken.

This is the point when I open my eyes.

The Sea

I'm drifting.

I let myself float. The familiar tang of salt swirls in my mouth and stings my eyes. It cradles me, its emerald and sapphire waves pushing me back and forth. To and from conciousness.

It's easier this way. I'd rather drown in this place - my place - then to return. The sun, scorching my back until it flakes like autumn leaves - I can take that. I can endure a thousand sharp teeth nipping at clothes, consuming my flesh. Those are nothing compared to the lullaby.

I'm drifting towards the sun. The west. Comforting hues of rubies. The end. It's so much easier this way, letting myself go. The water is nonjudgemental; it doesn't critize or praise. It simply drifts. I close my eyes and slip beneath the waves.

I can't see anything but black. I let the water enter my system, letting it rush into my mouth. I can taste hopes. My virginal dreams and erotic desires dance around on my tongue. They're meaningless now.

I sink towards the bottom. I open my eyes, seeing the sunlight wanes as I plunge into the inky depths. I close them again. I don't care enough to watch. I don't want to watch.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. Am I dying? It sure feels like it. Lethargic limbs, asphyxiation... Seems like some classic signs.

I'm drifting towards the west. The bottom of the ocean. The end of it all. This is what I want. No more people, no more emotions, no more lullabies.

Everything has shut down. I can't feel, can't taste, can't hear. My sight hasn't faltered yet - I see effulgent bands of light. It's nothing like I've ever seen. It's so bright. Blinding.

This is the point when I cover my eyes.

The Lullaby

I hear a lullaby of screams.

I've done something wrong. I can feel it, deep in my chest. It blossoms, the petals turning a bright crimson as it settles on the surface. My brand of shame. A scarlet letter of my disgrace.

Soon enough, my name pops up. It's intertwined with the shrieking, off-key melody of a woman. A man bellows a harmony. My ears ring as they combine their song.

Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn.

Ah, the dissonance. Too bad the chord won't resolve.

Their words leak through the thin, filmy barrier that I have created. The lyrics have ceased to shock me; it isn't the first time I have heard these notes. They're far too familiar now to bother me.

This is the point when I close my eyes.