The Hummingbird

Am I dead?

It’s hard to imagine – death, that is.

The light is gone. All I can see is the back of my eyelids and feel my palms against my face.

I dig my fingernails into my cheeks. Pain. I slide my hands from my face, letting them settle at my sides. There’s lush grass beneath me. A chilly breeze strokes my face, encouraging me to open my eyes. I can smell nature’s perfume – irises, juniper, and a faint trace of lavender. I’m in a different sea. A sea of flowers.

I can feel my heart beat. The numbness from the ocean is sliding off it, and my heart adopts a familiar tempo. Emotions start pumping through my body. In the distance, I can hear the faint cry of the lullaby.

Where is the water? Where is the heat? Where is my heart? I want them back – I need them back. I’m out of control right now – please, give me back my vice. My torture. My essence.

Let me drown.

I thrash in the grass, my senses intoxicated by the blossoms around me. Drowning in petals, drowning in ocean water – what’s the difference? I’m getting my wish, aren’t I?

Open your eyes.

My heart races at the sound of the voice. What is this fluttering, like a hummingbird trapped beneath my ribcage? My face grows hot, but it’s nothing like the blistering heat of the sun. It’s… Pleasant. Odd.

Why should I trust this voice? I can hear the man and the woman in the distance – I can hear their atrocious lullaby. He could be leading me into a trap. He could be dragging me into a future, filled with the echoes of the past. My life would be a constant rerun. Never ceasing. Never ending.

Open your eyes.

I feel heat enclose me. Close by, I hear a faint humming. Soft, sweet, but broken.

This is the point when I open my eyes.

The Sea

I'm drifting.

I let myself float. The familiar tang of salt swirls in my mouth and stings my eyes. It cradles me, its emerald and sapphire waves pushing me back and forth. To and from conciousness.

It's easier this way. I'd rather drown in this place - my place - then to return. The sun, scorching my back until it flakes like autumn leaves - I can take that. I can endure a thousand sharp teeth nipping at clothes, consuming my flesh. Those are nothing compared to the lullaby.

I'm drifting towards the sun. The west. Comforting hues of rubies. The end. It's so much easier this way, letting myself go. The water is nonjudgemental; it doesn't critize or praise. It simply drifts. I close my eyes and slip beneath the waves.

I can't see anything but black. I let the water enter my system, letting it rush into my mouth. I can taste hopes. My virginal dreams and erotic desires dance around on my tongue. They're meaningless now.

I sink towards the bottom. I open my eyes, seeing the sunlight wanes as I plunge into the inky depths. I close them again. I don't care enough to watch. I don't want to watch.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. Am I dying? It sure feels like it. Lethargic limbs, asphyxiation... Seems like some classic signs.

I'm drifting towards the west. The bottom of the ocean. The end of it all. This is what I want. No more people, no more emotions, no more lullabies.

Everything has shut down. I can't feel, can't taste, can't hear. My sight hasn't faltered yet - I see effulgent bands of light. It's nothing like I've ever seen. It's so bright. Blinding.

This is the point when I cover my eyes.

The Lullaby

I hear a lullaby of screams.

I've done something wrong. I can feel it, deep in my chest. It blossoms, the petals turning a bright crimson as it settles on the surface. My brand of shame. A scarlet letter of my disgrace.

Soon enough, my name pops up. It's intertwined with the shrieking, off-key melody of a woman. A man bellows a harmony. My ears ring as they combine their song.

Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn.

Ah, the dissonance. Too bad the chord won't resolve.

Their words leak through the thin, filmy barrier that I have created. The lyrics have ceased to shock me; it isn't the first time I have heard these notes. They're far too familiar now to bother me.

This is the point when I close my eyes.

Amber Twilight

Sit here in the amber twilight
Let the grass fade into comfortable shades
Of gray
Let the skies dissolve into pleasing hues
Of royalties

You sir,
Yes, you - the one with dreams like
Crumpled newspaper clippings
- Is that your heart I see here
Lying at my feet?
Its heartbeat is so quick
A hummingbird trapped behind a ribcage

You miss,
Yes, you - the one with thoughts like
An empty bottle of knock-off vodka
- Is that your mind I see here
Resting in my palms?
Its memories stuck on replay
The film in a tape deck snagged

Sit here in the amber twilight
Let the stars grow from cold tints
Of sapphire
Let the earth seep into dying colors
Of ebony

His Story

It wasn't your fault
It wasn't your decision
As she slid them down
One, two, three... Seven?
She's on the fast track now to
The city of lights

Bright with malice
Bright with bitterness
Bright with pain

The city of lights
She's in the wrong lane now
One, two, three... Breathe?
As she slid to the floor
It wasn't your decision
It wasn't your fault